Why We Should Be Concerned About Our Leaders' Culinary Crimes Against Common Sense

There's an old adage stating that "Nero fiddled while Rome burned". That saying refers to the literal event in which a massive fire destroyed a significant portion of Rome in 64 AD, along with the assertion by a couple of Roman historians that the Emperor, Nero, played the fiddle and sang poetry while the city burnt to the ground. Today, that same saying can be applied to our current state of affairs, if only in a bold metaphorical sense. The global economy is in a state of extreme crisis. Nations are going bankrupt, U.S. unemployment continues to hover around an atrocious 9%, and civil unrest is steadily increasing across the world. Common sense would dictate that these undesirable conditions would spur political leaders to work together and find feasible solutions to what is a multi-pronged financial threat. But sadly, that's just not the case. When our leaders aren't entrenched in their stubborn economic dogmas, they are dabbling in debates and lines of questioning so trivial that the average citizen never even considers them in the deepest depths of their stream of consciousness.

This type of inane bureaucratic stupidity was prevalently on display last week, thanks to a couple of mind boggling decisions by our political institutions that probably infuriated food aficionados and champions of critical thinking. First, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill that classifies pizza as a vegetable.

Yes, a vegetable. Those greasy, cheesy, calorie packed pies of goodness are going to be placed into the same category as lettuce, carrots, and  peas.

So, how did Congress come to such a visibly baseless conclusion?  Through greed, of course. Greed, the dark force of shamelessness and self servitude that drives virtually all governmental behavior has now corrupted basic scientific and culinary concepts. Congress made this decision after years of lobbying from the frozen food industry, which was bracing itself for a major financial hit as schools began purging junk foods from cafeteria menus. According to the fabricated "details" of the bill, pizza can be appropriately classified as a vegetable if it contains two tablespoons of tomato paste. However, the bill neglects to mention the fact that pizza is also composed of dough and cheese, occasionally topped with such oh-so-healthy servings of sausage and pepperoni, and covered in fattening and unhealthy grease. Pizza, unlike a carrot or a turnip, is not a singular object. It is a meal composed of several ingredients. So calling it a "vegetable" is totally inaccurate and misleading. Corey Henry, a spokesperson for the American Frozen Food Institute, called the passing of this legislation "an important victory". An important victory for corporate lobbying, yes. But for the American people, it is a loss that insults their intelligence and further clarifies the fact that our leaders in Washington represent the highest bidder, rather than the general constituency. Pretty soon, carrot cake and jelly doughnuts may end up on the fruit and vegetable aisle of your local grocery store.

The second and arguably more insulting decision was handed down by the European Union. After conducting a three year study (a study that cost a lot of money, mind you) , EU leaders determined that bottled water manufactures cannot make the claim that their product prevents dehydration. Starting next month, the producers of water bottles could face up to two years in prison if their product still carries the dehydration claim. According to Brian Ratcliffe, a spokesperson for the Nutrition Society and defender of the study's findings, the EU is against this claim because "[bottled water] does not reduce the risk of dehydration, and that is correct".

How so, Mr. Ratcliffe? According to A Dictionary of Nursing, dehydration is a "loss or deficiency of water from the body tissues. The condition may result from inadequate water intake and/or from excessive removal of water from the body". So, according to that expert definition, dehydration is a result of a lack of water.

Gee, I wonder, then, how one would possibly combat that unfavorable condition. Perhaps by, you know, drinking water. Water that is typically found in water bottles.

It's really quite disturbing that while the Euro is crumbling and Greece is on the brink of an economic apocalypse, the EU has somehow found the time to conduct a three year study that makes the asinine assertion that the only true cure for dehydration is ineffective. Organizations from the American Heart Association to goddamn Big Bird know and teach the fact that dehydration can be cured by adequate water intake. The EU is spitting in the face of basic scientific concepts, which in reality shouldn't be too surprising given the fact that the EU lacks even the basic skills that leadership requires.

So, after a week in which bureaucrats focused placating their appetite for trivial nonsense, I'd like to leave them with something to chew on: Instead of trying to re-label and re-classify foods and drinks, how about you enact policies that will feed your starving and struggling populaces? As the world is burning, our modern day Neros are throwing a pizz...vegetable party. If legislative bodies are wondering why their approval ratings are in the toilet, they should take a close look at the issues they have decided to focus on. And until they tackle the issues that matter, the world is going to slowly dehydrate from excessive inaction.

Or maybe from a lack of water.